I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
