when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
