I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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