Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
