you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
