I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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