Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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