My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
