Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
