gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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