remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
