I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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