Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Quick, to the slutcave!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
