Who did Billy Mays play for?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
