Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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