If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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