I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
