hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
