I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
