oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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