This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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