He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
