I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
