I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
