I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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