I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
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I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
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Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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