i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
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Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
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was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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