I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.