A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Im part way to drunk.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.