He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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