You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
