Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
