6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my being single is dangerous.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
