i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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