You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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