Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
