I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
