I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
