there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
