Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
