doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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