you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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