My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
