the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
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She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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