I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
