he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
