I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
