the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I could make wine with my vomit
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
