happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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