my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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