the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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