Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
