i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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