he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
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They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize