I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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