Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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