I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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