My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
