dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
